OK, dear reader – noticing and pointing out flaws in games is a bad thing so let’s get cracking with a positive game! Lots of exclamation marks (or exclamation POINTS, as I believe our colonial cousins call them – either way, they look like this!!! And I effing LOVE them! Yeeha!)

Rogue Warrior is a brilliant game! I mean it’s by REBELLION! What more do I need to say, other than 3 words – Proven. Track. Record.

It is perfect in almost every way, from the graphics, the script, the music, the controls and the voice acting from MICKEY ROURKE! Yeah, him out of all them films and that!

Very much like Eternal Sonata, you play a representation of someone in their own dream, in this case, RONALD REAGAN! But get this… IT’S IN THE EIGHTIES! Therefore it is automatically awesome! So, RONALD REAGAN is dreaming that he is DICK MARCINKO, who is actually a real man who really used to be a Navy SEAL (That bit isn’t just capitalised for dramatic effect or so you’ll shout it – it stands for SEa Air Land – coincidentally, seals are the only other animals that live in the sea, walk on and can FLY, fact fans!!). In fact he was the bestest Navy SEAL ever because this game is a true story about how he swore at Communism on its own turf!!

So! DICK hears about how Communism is all making nuclear missiles and he’s all, like, “Effing Communism, I’ll effing show it!” and he rocks up to the bad Korea in a helicopter with a black guy and a guy with beard! The black guy has THE BIGGEST cigar ever, so the guy with the beard gives him the finger for some reason, then they land and get BLOWN the eff UP despite having ample time to escape! That’s right, they KNEW Dick could handle this and were, like, “We don’t have the mad skillz, nor the swears to handle this – we’ll just get in Dick’s way!” KABLAM!

Dick’s all like, “I’m none too happy – I can handle this better now on my own, but EFF me, guys!” And so the game starts with your first act being explaining to your CO that the mission is a goatEFF and your second act is stabbing a Korean man in the BALLS before stabbing him RIGHT UP! Go DICK! The animations for this are awesome and you can tell Dick is really angry! So then the next guy, he’s all like, “YEAH! No getting stabbed for you, LADY PARTS!” and bashes his head against the wall until he’s dead! So there’s all blood everywhere and he keeps swearing and he kills, like, SIX Koreans from behind! BUT! He isn’t a racist – no matter how angry he gets he is a professional and hates COMMUNISM, not races! This is because he is cool and a role model!

Then, right, THEN he gets a sniper rifle and shoots some guys, then it kicks off and the stealth mechanic turns into the ASS KICK mechanic as he goes mental and shoots the place up. Every level does this and it is the coolest thing! It starts off with some stealth where you stab people in the balls and in the head and everything until one of the guys sees you and then Dick goes mental. And shoots the place up. BIG STYLE! Because Dick is SOOO awesome, they’ve had to make the controls feel a bit detached by adding too much acceleration – think Far Cry Instincts Predator. But if they didn’t, the game would be TOO easy! It already IS too easy, but you ARE Dick EFFING Marcinko – what do you expect! It took me 2 and a half hours to rip through Bad Korea and Russia, but I was RARING to go for the other 2 difficulty achievements!

Yeah, so the sound effects are AWESOME, too! But not as awesome as the music – especially the horn section which sounds like it’s about to break into Michael Buble’s version of Cry Me A River, but doesn’t because it’s TOO SCARED! Even better is that Mickey Rourke’s plastic surgery ravaged face truly lends Dick a muffled, threatening air and does sound more like Vincent the lion fella out of Beauty and the Beast (He was the beast) so it is even MORE awesomer!

In summary, if you don’t like stabbing people in the balls and head, and shooting the place up like a mentalist and swearing and being DICK MARCINKO – go back to Communist Russia and play… Metro 2033 or something else Russian. Or whatever.